How to Build Belonging Through Boundaries
My favorite definition of a boundary is: “Something that fixes or limits extent. A line that limits an area. A limit of a subject or sphere of activity.”
Something I know to be true is that boundaries are freedom. Even the definition of paradise is a walled-in garden. Boundaries are clarity, boundaries are kindness. Boundaries help us exist well in time and space because they provide us with the reference points through which we know ourselves.
I often refer to boundaries as containers. Containers are comprised of everything in our lives that can be movable, malleable and changeable through deliberate choice. Our daily routines, what we eat, who we speak to and what we say, how we move our bodies, what we do for work, how we work, the design of our space, where we live…you get the idea.
Through these choices, we create our sense of self. Our “self” being the mediator between up down, left right, forward back. We are always in the center of our circumstances—the center of our circumference—whether we notice it or not. But when we notice it, we can start to finesse the quality with which we occupy that space, and the narrative about ourselves in that space. As soon as you can situate yourself in that center as the author of the narrative, you belong.
Belonging has 2 meanings: 1) to be a part of something and 2) to own something. When you are present with the truth that you are simultaneously part of something bigger than yourself that you can’t control while knowing you are in the driver’s seat of your own journey, you feel safe, secure, and open and available to go after what you want in your life, work and relationships.
Okay so…how do we find belonging through boundaries?
Boundaries can be created in either space, time or both. We create boundaries in space by intelligently organizing our physical environments (living spaces, commute to the office, and even how we physically interact with others in those spaces), as well as in our bodies (diet, exercise, etc.). We also create belonging through boundaries by intentionally managing our schedules (organizing time, baby!). Diligently sticking to daily routines and rituals provide us with healthy limitations from which we can leverage contact, currency, and connection—(cough belonging cough cough).
Here are three #belonginghacks to get you started on building healthy personal boundaries in your time and your space:
1) Identify 3 non-negotiable activities in your daily routine that are “must have’s” (i.e. by doing these activities every day, you feel centered, healthy, whole and heck, even happy. Ex: exercise, eat a salad for lunch, read to your kids at night). Are these activities still serving you? If yes, great! Formally add them to your calendar so that you can better ritualize them as ways you set boundaries in your life to lift you up. If they’re not serving you, consider letting them go or switching them up more consciously for something that does.
2) Identify 2 “nice-to-have” activities that you’d really like to budget into your calendar. (Ex: I love to dance. In an ideal week, I can make it to two live social dance experiences each week. If I don’t, c’est la vie. But, if I do, I’m a much happier camper.) Challenge yourself to committing to these activities each week for one month. Then, evaluate. Did this boundary uplift you or stress you out? If it uplifted you, keep it! If not, give yourself permission to let any pressure or guilt around not engaging in this activity on a regular basis go.
2) Identify 1 activity you never do, but you know you should. Something that maybe “you’ve been meaning to do for years” but because new habits are hard to start (slash old habits are hard to break), you just can’t bring yourself to do it. This is your invitation to get over yourself and integrate it into your routine NOW. (Ex: I want to meditate for 30 minutes every day in the morning. I keep saying I’m going to, but I always seem to find a reason in the AM to skip it. I know my days would be better if I committed to this habit.) Give yourself 30 days to establish this new boundary, and let me know how it goes!
